A commonly heard refrain from couples who are clearly in a state of conflict and in a relationship which is clearly unhappy for both of them is that they are staying together for the sake of the children; that in some way the children will be in a better place if they are in a household with both parents, rather than moving between their parents in a situation of shared parental responsibility.That line of argument seems instinctively to have more than a grain of truth about it. We have always been led to believe that the best position for any child to be in is one in which they are cared for within the framework of a stable two parent family. The difficulty is, of course, that a disfunctional and unloving relationship between the parents is very far from stable, and a hostile or combative relationship between the parents can have profound effects on the children. Even if one party constantly acquiesces to the demand of the other, thereby seeking to avoid confrontation, that is not lost on children.
Studies have shown that children who are constantly exposed to a hostile environment are more likely to suffer a range of difficulties. They are more likely to perform poorly at school, both academically and in terms of behavior, and more likely to form undesirable social attachments. They are also more likely to express sexual behaviour early, and are at increased risk of falling prey to drink and drug difficulties as they grow. They also tend to have greater difficulty forming stable and loving relationships themselves. None of this is to say that such outcomes are inevitable, or that all children of divorced parents will suffer any or all of these outcomes, but the risks are increased, and the greater the degree of conflict, the greater the risk.
Family Mediation
Such difficulties can be overcome by cooperation, either within the family or as part of a process of separation. At Hampshire Mediation we always encourage the people who contact us to explore options for reconciliation, and we are more than happy to help people get in touch with couples counselors or organisations that specialise in assisting couples in difficulty. Should reconciliation no longer be an option we are keen to promote a sense of cooperation and mutual respect as a part of the separation process, and we believe that by using family mediation some of the damaging effect that are felt during separation can be reduced or avoided. By working through the issues that confront any separating couple and coming up with workable and equitable solutions to those problems, couples can develop an atmosphere of cooperation and respect, and that does not go unnoticed by the children. Better by far that the child of a marriage that broke down sees that his or her parents were able to cooperate and discuss their differences and make sensible decisions rather than be witness to years of bitter litigation and confrontation.
Family mediation can help to deliver that outcome.
