When a relationship breaks down, divorce and separation can be difficult enough without the added challenge of dealing with someone who displays narcissistic behaviours. People sometimes ask whether mediation can work when their former partner is a narcissist, particularly when communication has become difficult, hostile or controlling.
The answer is that family mediation can sometimes be effective, but it depends on the circumstances and, most importantly, whether both people can participate safely and meaningfully in the process.
What does “narcissist” mean?
“Narcissist” is often used to describe someone who is self-centred, controlling or unwilling to accept responsibility. However, it is important to distinguish between narcissistic behaviours and a clinical diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder. A mediator is not there to diagnose either participant.
The focus in mediation is instead on behaviour and its impact on the process. Can both people express their views? Can they listen to each other? Can they make informed decisions without being pressured or intimidated?
Can mediation work with difficult behaviour?
Mediation does not require separating couples to agree with one another. In fact, disagreement is often the reason they need mediation in the first place.
A skilled family mediator can help keep discussions focused on practical issues, such as finances, property and child arrangements, rather than allowing the session to become an argument about the history of the relationship.
The mediator remains impartial and does not decide who is right or wrong. They can also challenge unhelpful behaviour, manage interruptions and ensure that both participants have an opportunity to speak.
In some circumstances, shuttle mediation may be appropriate. This involves the participants being in separate rooms, with the mediator moving between them. Other arrangements, including online or hybrid mediation, may also help people who find direct communication particularly difficult.
What if there has been controlling or abusive behaviour?
This is an important distinction. Mediation is voluntary in the sense that participants need to be able to make their own decisions, but that does not mean every case is suitable for mediation.
Where there has been domestic abuse, coercive control, intimidation or a significant imbalance of power, the mediator must consider whether mediation can take place safely and fairly. Safeguarding and suitability are considered as part of the MIAM (Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting) process.
Appropriate safeguards may sometimes make mediation possible. In other cases, mediation may not be suitable at all.
Preparing for mediation
If you are concerned that your former partner may try to dominate the process, preparation can help. Think carefully about what you need to resolve and bring relevant financial or other information with you. Try to keep discussions focused on the future rather than becoming drawn into arguments about the past.
It can also help to remember that you do not have to respond to every accusation or provocation. The mediator’s role is to help keep the conversation constructive and focused on reaching workable agreements.
So, can you mediate with a narcissist?
There is no simple yes or no answer. Family mediation can work where one participant displays narcissistic traits, provided both people are able to participate safely and make their own informed decisions.
The key question is not whether someone has been labelled a “narcissist”. It is whether their behaviour makes it possible for mediation to be conducted safely, fairly and effectively.
If you are considering divorce or separation and are unsure whether mediation could work in your circumstances, a MIAM can provide an opportunity to discuss your situation and consider whether mediation is appropriate.